October Newsletter
Candalada
What are you scared of?
Halloween means many different things to different cultures around the world. Present-day in America, Oct 31st is a day to get dressed up either cute or scary and collect candy. While I do not identify with the holiday I took sometime this week to think about what I am really scared of. My top three fears:
1) Loosing my dad
The pain of loosing my mother was difficult to navigate. The reality that people can die no matter what their relationship is to you and how much you love them is uncomfortable. One of the biggest side effects of loosing my mom (besides the slight pain I feel when I breathe) is obsessing over my dads safety, health and life.
When I am with my dad, I treat each moment like the last. I take many pictures and videos. I make a greater effort to let him know how much I appreciate him. In my mind I am consciously documenting for the future, where as in the past it was more care free. While I appreciate the pictures I have of my mom, I miss seeing her movement and hearing her voice. I wish I had unlimited footage of her and I do not. I do not want to make the same mistake twice.
Just the quick thought of not having my dad puts me into tears. This is a very new angle of anxiety that I am working on conquering. In the mean time this is my greatest fear.
2) Issa’s Future
When it comes to Issa I have been told to take it easy and don’t worry more times than I can count. I always say that Issa has the biggest team of lawyers I have ever seen, his aunty and so many other people that love him. Let that baby watch some TV, let that baby have some candy etc. I give as much time as I can to his studies and eating habits because I am always thinking about the future Issa. 35 year old Issa. That is how old I was when I lost my mother.
Whatever you learn whether its responsibility, financial skills or music. It is all you have to work with when its time to be a real grown up and take care of yourself. My mom would always say, “I am not going to be here forever”. I would think to myself she was being so dramatic about wanting me to wash a dish. She was not.
I think about stuff like leaving enough money for him to have his own home to live in or pay for his education. Luckily, instead of just being scared, I have developed systems I didn’t have before. I’m looking forward to creating investment accounts for him this year.
In the meantime, I am grateful he has an official God Father and God Mother both in positions to care for him even if he had nothing but the shirt on his back.
3) Not fulfilling my dreams in my lifetime
Nubian
I woke up one day in 2009 to being tagged on Instagram by @graffoflarge. The caption read “Nubian”. The artist was in London. He liked a photo I posted (taken by John Pavilones) and was inspired to draw it. I was so surprised. It would be things like this that made me feel I was on the right path.
During this time my life, the inside of my brain looked like the interface on Ralph Breaks the Internet:Wreck It Ralph 2. I could see the map of where I was heading. Multiple plans ran at once. Most real-life moments felt like deja vu because I saw it already in the interface.
Since 2018, much has changed. I don’t see that complex interface anymore and my priorities have changed. I wonder where it went and if it will ever come back. Lastly, “How do I adjust to this archaic system of brainstorming to create goals then write them down verses having them vividly pre-dowloaded into my mind?”.
These years, I occasionally have dreams. The things that I see myself doing in those dreams are so far away from where I am currently. With no interface or road map I wonder is it just a dream or am I actually on my way there?
This past August the 31st to be exact. I woke up to a tag from @Coarista an artist I do not know personally. He found the once heavily circulated image of me from 2016 (taken by Kevin Marable) on an IG page founded in Paris called @TurbanistaParis and drew it. Coincidence or a little reminder that I am still on the right path?
Dark Turban